Canucks Player Power Rankings by my friend Brandon

  1. Bo Horvat:

Horvat delivered a characteristically excellent performance. In addition to showing off his stick handling and passing skills late in the third quarter, he also delivered the characteristic kindness that can only come from a young, thoughtful boy. His skillful playing not only (won?) the game for the Canucks, he also won a lifelong companion for a little boy searching for a little dog. This sweetness will be sure to earn him a place deep in the GM’s heart. Thanks Bo, you really did a doggone good job this week.

 

  1. Sven Baertschi:

Sven, as his name would suggest, really thrived on the ice this week. The cold temperatures of the arena really allowed him to flourish, as he skated super, duper fast from one end of the ice to the other. From the stands, everyone was remarking at how natural Baertschi looked in the cold.

“He looks like one of those old time vikings,” one woman said when prompted.

Hats off to you, Sven, or maybe we should say, horned helmets off to you, Sven.

Thanks.

 

  1. Ryan Miller and Jacob Markstrom:

These buds have a chemistry usually only found in chemistry labs, and children’s birthday parties. These “Dry Ice Fellows” made no slippery mistakes during any of this week’s three games. When one would fall down, the other one would pick him up by the scruff of his neck like a little puppy, and score a big goal. This is the power of friendship at work, fellas. Take notes all my friends. One day we too may be stuck in combat on an icy battlefield, and I can only pray you will be the Markstrom to my Miller.

Thanks buds.

 

  1. Alex Edler:

If hockey was a bakery, this boy would certainly be the top seller. Sweet and savory, (as in saving those goals,) Edler tears up the court with a performance equal parts respectful and destructive. Skating all over his end of the ice, he not only managed to stop a buncha shots, but he also managed to break a few hearts while he was at it, sending winks all the way up to the nosebleeds. His hot cross buns certainly give him an astounding amount of skill and poise.

Thanks sweet boy.

You’re my favorite.

 

  1. Chris Tanev:

New dad Chris Tanev really lets his paternal side show on the ice, bringing all the players under his wing, and sending right up into the goal. I even saw him in the parking lot after, comforting a sad Phoenix Coyotes fan, by feeding him formula from a bottle. What a kind dad.

Thanks dad.

 

  1. Luca Sbisa:

Ah, little Lucas. Always misbehaving. Stop playing with your food all the time (the puck is his food). You have to eat it (Score). Now, I know things are tough, what with all the others players on the team. That’s a lot of people to keep track of! But remember, the only one that really matters is you, little Lucas. Because only you can turn you into the Ryan Kesler that this team needs. You need to be our sixpack, our naked GQ model, our womanizing, team destroying wild card. We need you, Lucas, to ruin this team. But off the ice. As Troy says in HSM (High School Musical), get that sweet little head in the game.

Good luck little babe.

 

  1. Loui Eriksson:

Loui, thanks for discovering this wonderful country. Without you, there could be no ice hockey. Well, maybe from Sweden, or Estonia, but not in Canada. Your big red beard is the reason all these little men skate around and score those goals. Although, maybe you should refrain from talking so much on the ice, I see you yelling at the other players saying that you made them, that you’re in charge here. That’s not true. The only person in charge on the ice, is Gatorade. And Sony. And Panera Bread. Those big boys are the real ones that keep that puck moving. Without them we wouldn’t have the money for a zamboni. Do you wanna play on some crinkly ice? I don’t. So Loui, stay as polight as you are off the ice, on the ice.

Thanks,

A lot.

 

  1. Markus Granlund:

Markus, I liked your suit. Maybe you should’ve kept it on during the game, would that have made you play a bit more professionally? Also, call me. And stop telling the referees that I’m not allowed on the bench, I have a right to talk to you. Do you not remember that time we went to medieval times and I watched you joust that other knight? I said you were the best knight I had ever seen, and you said “thanks bud”.

“Thanks bud”.

Does that mean nothing to you? I thought we had a connection.

Anyways.

“Thanks Bud”.

😦

 

  1. Troy Stecher:

Troy did an excellent job of sneaking all over the ice on wednesday night, barely visible amongst the towering giants. He took that little puck and made sure it ended up right where it was supposed to (the goal) while all the other players clunked around like the enormous tree-men they are. You’re the Stuart Little to our George, and the Coyotes are our Snowball. Those nasty cats.

Thanks Troy, for keeping us safe from the cats.

  1. Nikita Tryamkin:

Just like Jason Botchford said, We were all wrong, and Nikita was all right. He knew the whole time, and none of us ever thought to take him seriously. Perhaps it was the ease with which his name turns from Nikita into Little Nikky, the titular star of Adam Sandler’s film about the child of the devil. Was there a hidden, dark, secret to Nikita? No. We were all wrong. He was all right, and not just about that.

Thank You Nikita,

We will always trust you from now on.

 

  1. Alex Biega:

{insert detail here}

 

  1. Alex Burrows:

Burrows Burrowed Right to the opposing team’s Burrow (their goal).

Thanks, Burrows.

 

  1. Brandon Sutter:

Goals were coming out of this boy like milk from a cow’s udder, and the opposing team was DEFINITELY lactose intolerant.

Thanks, Brandon, for keeping the BS in your name, and OFF of the ice.

 

  1. Henrik Sedin:

This guy plays like he’s two people, I could barely even keep track of where he was, one minute he’s over there, the next he’s passing to himself. Am I being punk’d? Or is this Kamino, from Star Wars 2, Attack of the clones?

Crazy.

Thanks man.

 

  1. Daniel Sedin:

Is this a typo?

 

  1. Ben Hutton:

Ben’s radiant smile was the only thing I paid attention to this week, because the constant possibility of its destruction at the hands of a malevolent little coal or “puck” filled me with tremors of terror.

Close that mouth Ben, for all of us.

 

  1. Jack Skille:

Is this a typo? Pretty sure its spelled Jack Skilleington guys 😉

 

  1. Jayson Megna:

Star of Game of Thrones Jason Megna really lit up the ice like the true Khal he is. Thank god for the refs, and their ability to restrain his murderous intentions and funnel them into the great game of hockey.

Thanks refs.

 

  1. Brendan Gaunce:

Brendan has Gaunce to get his act together out there next week, or we may as well be a traveling production of Once starring a bunch of pillsbury doughboys.

Come on Gaunce,

Sincerely,

The Fans.

 

  1. Michael Chaput:

Chaput’s translation skills came in handy during last weeks game against the Canadiens, wherein he resolved an extremely tense mix-up that almost lead to the Canucks winning for once by choking spectacularly throughout the game.

Ne Bien Pas, Chaput.

 

  1. Reid Boucher:

Shining Star Reid Boucher tore up the ice like a madman, frantically looking to impress coaches enough during warmup that he might finally be let free from his travel cage beside the bench.

Better luck next week Reid.

 

  1. Derek Dorsett and Erik Gudbranson and Jannik Hansen and Philip Larsen:

Derek, Erik, Jannik and Phillip gave a great half time performance, injecting the game with the kind of fun that can only come from a well choreographed 80’s pop number. Time After Time, These Boys Have Me LivIng On A Prayer, Feeling Like A Virgin Every time They Bust A Move On Thin Ice.

Thanks boys, you didn’t really need Bryzgalov anyways.

 

  1. Anton Rodin:

Rodin, while he did not participate in the actual game, once again produced a startlingly lifelike sculpture of ex-coach Mike Babcock in the nude, one again to be auctioned off in order to pay for Bo Horvat’s extensive beauty regimen, interview training and etiquette schooling.

Thanks again Ant, for helping make the game a little more beautiful every week.

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